Goodbye For Now, Alcohol

Have you ever reached that certain point in your life of absolute misery? You know, the one where you do the only thing you know how to? I’m at that point, so I drink. And I don’t mean occasionally (but don’t stress I’m not an alcoholic!).

From Moscato and Rosé to vodka and tequila, I had it all this week and I don’t even know why. I guess this was just that shitty week we all have at some point where everything just hits you hard and, for me, it was drinking that calmed me down, at least until I was in bed at the end of the day feeling miserable about things I couldn’t change.

And there’s another problem. ‘Things I couldn’t change’.

I thought Saturday night would be a great time to drown my problems (and clothes apparently) in alcohol, as you do. I thought I would have a great night with my girls and party like a wild child because I don’t get to all that often… big mistake.

What I really got was the complete opposite, only I broke a nail so I guess ‘wild child’ isn’t really off the cards, hey?

It started the minute I stumbled into the bar (literally). I’d been drinking since 3pm because some ignorant part of me thought it was a good idea, so naturally when it came to sitting near a guy I thought I’d been rejected by, all pride and self-worth I had disappeared.

To give it to you in short, this guy hadn’t actually rejected me; a combination of many bad dating experiences, shitty advice from friends and excessive alcohol consumption is what led me to believe he was just another fuckboy messing with my head. And I can’t take another play at these mind games I shouldn’t be used to, so drunk me decided to do what sober me wouldn’t dare.

I’m all or nothing; a strong believer in honesty and setting it straight. I know what I want, and I’ve never been one to ponder over my decisions because I believe that you either want something, or you don’t. And I guess not knowing where I stood with my friends, this guy and life in general had me on edge all week.

That’s the thing though, getting drunk with your friends is kind of like playing a game of Chinese whispers, because what started off as ‘I went on a date with that guy’ suddenly became ‘I’m seeing this guy’. I don’t know if being intoxicated is a prerequisite for causing drama, but how do you tell someone that what your friends come up with is completely irrelevant to what you’ve actually said? We all know how these things go.

Flash forward to several shots later and I’ve become the devil in me, stumbling into everything in my direction and then into some guy I don’t even know. A few sloppy kisses later and I’m back with my friends, only this time I’m crying my eyes out.

Why? I don’t know.

What happened? I couldn’t even tell you.

Who upset me? Look I’m going to blame it all on tequila, because yet again I have no answer.

I don’t know why I was acting the way I was. I’m the girl who wants to change the world and be somebody I’m proud of, not the girl that was out last night and every other time, putting herself in every position she could to avoid controlling her actions and decisions, and not the girl acting like she’s still in high school.

Come the end of the night and I’m finally able to see clearly and walk in a straight line, only I’m still miserable. I’m embarrassed, I’m remorseful and I’m absolutely traumatised to see several essays (not written by me, might I add) sent to one person alone. Now, not only am I embarrassed by myself, but I’ve embarrassed others too. Now, I have to think about how to apologise for things I don’t remember doing or saying and I don’t even know where to start. It was then that it hit me and I realised I’m not drowning my problems in alcohol, I’m avoiding them all together.

It wasn’t until I had a glass of water in my hand that I realised just how good it felt to taste something refreshing, rather than toxic. It felt good to be in control of myself again because in that moment, I wasn’t doing things I would never do. I wasn’t acting childish and running off to the closest thing I could get to attention, and I wasn’t putting myself in a position where I could be seen as somebody I’m not.

That’s the problem with alcohol, it’s not an excuse. I’m responsible for intoxicating my body with the poison that is alcohol and I drank to the point where I was completely numb, several times. What I thought was helping me get through my week turned out to be the devil’s trap into what became last Saturday night. 

I’ve done things under the influence of alcohol before that I can’t take back; i'm sure we all have. And while these are things that I would usually laugh at myself for later on, I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I can’t turn back time, but I know that I can control what I do next time.

And that’s what I’m doing now. I’m giving myself the attention I need, staying off social media, fixing my problems and becoming the confident and respected girl I used to be.

I’m starting again, without you, alcohol.

5 Deal-Breakers Of Travelling With Your Best Friends, And How To Avoid Them

I once travelled with a friend. My closest friend at the time, actually. And it was the worst decision I ever made. And if I could just go back to the day I made those plans, I’d tell my 18-year-old self to think twice, and think these things through. And here is why.

1. What happens in Europe (or anywhere you go), doesn’t stay there.

Now I’m not saying that this always happens, but what I (amongst others) have encountered is that everything you once swore to keep a secret, it comes out. It might just be that it’s a funny story to tell, or that it’s a situation you wouldn’t dare put yourself in, but the truth always comes out, and the things you do come back to haunt you, one way or another.

The fix: Establish boundaries with the people you’re travelling with. Agree on a set of rules the lot of you will stick to, one being to only tell your stories. You can avoid so much drama and so many rumours if you just worry less about what others do and focus on telling your stories, your way. You’ll be surprised at just how much doing this can save and strengthen a friendship.

2. It clouds the way you experience the world, if you let it.

If you want to travel with friends, do it. But if you want to experience the world and do the things you love doing and see the things you love to see… do it alone, I say, and do it your way. Otherwise, you’ll end up settling on plans and things to do, just to avoid arguing with your friends. You’ll end up missing out on the things you want to do and you’ll end up like me, sitting in bed writing articles on reasons not to travel with friends, wishing you’d just gone off and done your own thing rather than waste days and money doing things you didn’t want to.

The fix: Have your own itinerary on hand. See what you and your friends are all wanting to do, and do them, but set aside the days to tick off your bucket list, rather than agreeing to do something just because you’re scared of being alone or unsafe or don’t want to cause conflict over what to do. In the end, your friends can either follow you and do what you are, or simply not complain about your decisions.

3. One’s financial struggles and mistakes become your financial struggles and mistakes, too.

Now this is something we all need to be educated in, and something that I 

wish I knew about when I was planning my trip. Money causes conflict. Generally speaking, you’re probably thinking ‘money won’t be my problem, we’ll just split everything and pay equally’. But honey, that’s not how it works.

Pretty soon you’ll find yourself at hostels that won’t split bills and then you’ll say ‘it’s fine you just owe me this much’, until the next day when your friend says ‘I don’t owe you that much, I owe you this much’ and then to save yet another argument you let it slide because it’s only two euros, right?

Wrong. Those mistakes add up. Eventually you’ll find yourself short on money because you didn’t think smart enough to avoid such situations, and then you’ll find yourself on an overnight train to Paris because you put your friend in charge of transport, which, surprise surprise, ended in a lost hotel (yes, hotel) reservation and 200 euros less in your bank account, and you can’t say or do anything about the 40 euro ticket you should’ve bought months ago because that will only cause conflict you just cannot be bothered dealing with right now.

The fix: Please, please, PLEASE put yourself in charge of your own finances. Why should you miss out on that amazing deal you found just because your friends said it was too early to book? Why should you lose hundreds of dollars because you waited for your friends to agree on the perfect hostel to book or trips to take? In the end you’ll only have yourself to blame because you messed up by putting your budget in someone else’s hands, which brings me to my next point.

4. You need to be selfless, the one time it’s okay to be selfish.

I know all about this. I know all about doing things for my last travel companion, rather than myself, and missing out on opportunities to meet new people and do the things I want to do, just because my friend didn’t want to and selfless me didn’t want her to be alone. The reason this is a deal-breaker is because, while you may not realise at the time, being selfless will leave you resenting yourself and your friends at the end of a trip because you didn’t do you, when you should have.

The fix: Be selfish. This is your trip and the memories you make will live on forever in your mind. Do what you want to do because you don’t know when you’ll get the opportunity to again, and yes, I’m saying YOLO. And if your friends have a problem with that, well....

I mean, why should you have your perfect princess day in Paris ruined, just because your friend left their phone in their very easily-accessible pocket and had it stolen on the train? Why should you have to follow them retrace their steps and spend the day in a bad mood because they decided to take theirs out on you? You shouldn’t. And that’s when I realised that I should have been selfish that day, and done the things I still haven’t done.

So if you wanted the truth, there it is. If your friends were being selfless the same as you, they wouldn’t have let you change your plans to accommodate their needs, whether that be emotional, physical or financial.

5. It ends friendships.

Combine different personalities, budgets and morals and what do you get? The end of a friendship. I know that’s what I got. The thing that you need to remember is not all friendships are as secure as the B and S (#GGforever) relationship, and sometimes you’re better off not sharing everything with your friends.

The fix: I have no fix for this, just advice. Travel on your own! Make mistakes and learn from them. Talk to strangers and start lifelong friendships. Stalk Gossip Girl’s Paris episodes on your own (like I did), and you’ll find other fans doing the exact same thing. Take pictures for tourists, and have them do the same for you. Make spontaneous decisions and see where you find yourself. And lastly (most importantly), do it alone and you’ll find your full attention on you, and if you’re lucky, you’ll find yourself in a way you never thought you could.