Goodbye For Now, Alcohol

Have you ever reached that certain point in your life of absolute misery? You know, the one where you do the only thing you know how to? I’m at that point, so I drink. And I don’t mean occasionally (but don’t stress I’m not an alcoholic!).

From Moscato and Rosé to vodka and tequila, I had it all this week and I don’t even know why. I guess this was just that shitty week we all have at some point where everything just hits you hard and, for me, it was drinking that calmed me down, at least until I was in bed at the end of the day feeling miserable about things I couldn’t change.

And there’s another problem. ‘Things I couldn’t change’.

I thought Saturday night would be a great time to drown my problems (and clothes apparently) in alcohol, as you do. I thought I would have a great night with my girls and party like a wild child because I don’t get to all that often… big mistake.

What I really got was the complete opposite, only I broke a nail so I guess ‘wild child’ isn’t really off the cards, hey?

It started the minute I stumbled into the bar (literally). I’d been drinking since 3pm because some ignorant part of me thought it was a good idea, so naturally when it came to sitting near a guy I thought I’d been rejected by, all pride and self-worth I had disappeared.

To give it to you in short, this guy hadn’t actually rejected me; a combination of many bad dating experiences, shitty advice from friends and excessive alcohol consumption is what led me to believe he was just another fuckboy messing with my head. And I can’t take another play at these mind games I shouldn’t be used to, so drunk me decided to do what sober me wouldn’t dare.

I’m all or nothing; a strong believer in honesty and setting it straight. I know what I want, and I’ve never been one to ponder over my decisions because I believe that you either want something, or you don’t. And I guess not knowing where I stood with my friends, this guy and life in general had me on edge all week.

That’s the thing though, getting drunk with your friends is kind of like playing a game of Chinese whispers, because what started off as ‘I went on a date with that guy’ suddenly became ‘I’m seeing this guy’. I don’t know if being intoxicated is a prerequisite for causing drama, but how do you tell someone that what your friends come up with is completely irrelevant to what you’ve actually said? We all know how these things go.

Flash forward to several shots later and I’ve become the devil in me, stumbling into everything in my direction and then into some guy I don’t even know. A few sloppy kisses later and I’m back with my friends, only this time I’m crying my eyes out.

Why? I don’t know.

What happened? I couldn’t even tell you.

Who upset me? Look I’m going to blame it all on tequila, because yet again I have no answer.

I don’t know why I was acting the way I was. I’m the girl who wants to change the world and be somebody I’m proud of, not the girl that was out last night and every other time, putting herself in every position she could to avoid controlling her actions and decisions, and not the girl acting like she’s still in high school.

Come the end of the night and I’m finally able to see clearly and walk in a straight line, only I’m still miserable. I’m embarrassed, I’m remorseful and I’m absolutely traumatised to see several essays (not written by me, might I add) sent to one person alone. Now, not only am I embarrassed by myself, but I’ve embarrassed others too. Now, I have to think about how to apologise for things I don’t remember doing or saying and I don’t even know where to start. It was then that it hit me and I realised I’m not drowning my problems in alcohol, I’m avoiding them all together.

It wasn’t until I had a glass of water in my hand that I realised just how good it felt to taste something refreshing, rather than toxic. It felt good to be in control of myself again because in that moment, I wasn’t doing things I would never do. I wasn’t acting childish and running off to the closest thing I could get to attention, and I wasn’t putting myself in a position where I could be seen as somebody I’m not.

That’s the problem with alcohol, it’s not an excuse. I’m responsible for intoxicating my body with the poison that is alcohol and I drank to the point where I was completely numb, several times. What I thought was helping me get through my week turned out to be the devil’s trap into what became last Saturday night. 

I’ve done things under the influence of alcohol before that I can’t take back; i'm sure we all have. And while these are things that I would usually laugh at myself for later on, I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I can’t turn back time, but I know that I can control what I do next time.

And that’s what I’m doing now. I’m giving myself the attention I need, staying off social media, fixing my problems and becoming the confident and respected girl I used to be.

I’m starting again, without you, alcohol.